


Don't Try To Fight It (I'm Here For Tonight)

by NyoomWritesThings



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Good Friend, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, I didn't write this with Depression as a whole in mind, I dunno if this should be tagged as Depression or References to, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Hug, Logic | Logan Sanders-centric, M/M, References to Depression, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, but I have depression and this fic is solely me projecting my experience onto Logan so, once again I love how there are tags just for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25616557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyoomWritesThings/pseuds/NyoomWritesThings
Summary: Logan goes through a day completely lacking emotion and motivation. Staying in his bed, refusing interaction with the others, and having a nice staring contest with the ceiling as he lets himself get lost in thought. He knows what he's going through is normal and he will deal with it just fine since he's accustomed to it, until a snake slithers his way into Logan's room to convince him otherwise.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 24
Kudos: 176





	Don't Try To Fight It (I'm Here For Tonight)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [the point in just drowning another day](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24684022) by [angelsdemonsducks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsdemonsducks/pseuds/angelsdemonsducks). 



> go check out the fic this was inspired by! I gave it a read and thoroughly enjoyed myself, and it helped me realize I was going through something similar to the grey day that Patton was going through, and it encouraged me to write about how I was feeling. so if the author of that is reading this, I thank you dearly <3
> 
> this fic is purely me projecting depression onto Logan, with some Loceit (can be read as platonic or romantic!) as a treat, have fun with it lmao

He hadn’t known just how long he had spent staring at the ceiling, but Logan hadn’t thought it was too long since he had woken up. He knew he was always one to be awake early to work on the projects that needed to be finished, even if it took him longer than usual. He was  _ always _ on himself to make sure to be awake on time. 

Except, when Logan had finally checked his clock and saw that he had been laying in his bed for almost  _ 4 hours _ exactly, he didn’t seem to mind. He wasn’t angry at himself for staying in his bed, unproductive and unhelpful. He wasn’t disappointed in himself for laying for 4 straight hours, effectively being useless to Thomas. But he definitely wasn’t  _ happy _ about it either, there was no reason to find joy in the time. 

He didn’t experience any of those emotions. He knew that he might experience the anger and disappointment later, but for the time being, all he did was look at the clock and process the numbers just as they were: as numbers. No meaning behind the numbers, though he knew it was there. Nothing but numbers. Just numbers. Just  _ numb.  _

It was one of Logan’s numb days. 

He exhaled and turned his attention to the ceiling again. Unfeeling, devoid of any strong emotion aside from the overwhelming numbness that had been pulsing through his veins. 

His staring contest with his ceiling, however, was cut short after hearing an unexpected noise at the door. He slowly turned his attention to where the knock had come from. 

“Logan?” He recognized the voice to be Patton’s immediately. It made sense anyhow that he would have shown up if Logan had taken too long to remove himself from his bed. But Logan simply let Patton’s voice speak to the door and slowly fade out as he continued to stare, stare, stare. He heard another voice join in as well - Virgil’s, he assumed, by the deeper yet quieter tone of the voice - but didn’t process what he had started saying either. The two voices continued their conversation with Logan’s door as Logan let himself drift. 

When a loud noise accompanied by another, stronger voice tuned in as well, Logan turned his attention to the door again, confused. 

“ _ Logan! _ ” Roman had shouted from the other side as he banged on the door, making Logan regret his decision to pay attention in an instant. 

Usually he wouldn’t take pride in his numb days, at least after the fact. Logan would only be filled with regret for wasting time later, but when he was actually in his dull, unfeeling state of mind, he felt  _ comforted _ . Emotion wasn’t his strong suit, and when he wasn’t able to properly experience it, it was somehow some of the most comforting times for him. But when emotion  _ did _ find its way into one of the numb days, it felt  _ awful _ . Whether it was his or someone else’s, the comfort washed away because any emotion that came off too strong felt  _ overpowering _ . 

In short, Roman’s shouting at the other side of the door was doing anything but helping Logan want to remove himself from his room. 

But, because of his dull state and his want to keep emotions as far from his as possible, he couldn’t bring himself to shout back. He simply waited, trying his best to block out the noise, until Roman had tired himself out and had walked away. 

And so, he continued to stare. He had tried to deny it, but once he had heard the three of them leave, he had started to feel a sense of loneliness creep in. He pushed it down, however. He had been dealing with loneliness just fine while  _ not _ in that state, he could deal with it just fine when he  _ wasn’t _ experiencing emotion. 

Another hour or so had passed before he heard another knock at the door. This one gentle and quiet, almost unnoticeable if Logan had been any deeper into the numb. No voice accompanied the knock. Just one little noise at the door, waiting for a response. Logan didn’t give whoever it was their satisfaction, only sinking his eyes further into the ceiling. 

He hadn’t noticed they had made their way inside anyway until he felt a gloved hand rest on his shoulder. 

Looking up, his eyes had now met with  _ actual _ eyes. Mismatched, actual eyes. An actual person. 

And somehow even  _ that _ had felt foreign to him. 

“Are you alright?” Janus asked, soft and gentle, in a way that Logan had  _ surprisingly  _ found himself able to tolerate, when all he had wished for before was quiet. “I’ve heard you’ve been  _ very _ cooperative this morning with wanting to come out of your room, but I hadn’t heard how you haven’t seemed to…  _ move _ at all.” 

For the first time that day, Logan had actually found himself with the want to speak up. After all the calling for his attention from the other sides earlier, all he had wished for before was silence, was to be left alone, even though he didn’t quite ask for the loneliness that came with it. He had known if he said a word, they would fight back with their own words, so he felt better just saying nothing until they tired out. And that worked. Now, since Janus had actually found his way inside - how  _ did _ Janus get in, wasn’t his door locked? - he had found the need to speak up, to let Janus know that he was okay, that he would rather be left to his own devices until he was ready to sort himself out later. 

But he couldn’t find the energy to speak. 

So, the two sat in the uncomfortable silence. Janus frowned at the lack of an answer. 

“I assume that means you  _ won’t _ be staying here for any longer, then.” Janus replied. Another response unsaid by Logan, even though he wished he could speak his mind. 

Logan waited for the eventual, “I  _ won’t _ be taking my leave now,” or similar comment from Janus as he made his exit, but it never came. Logan had, instead, found Janus sitting on a stool next to the bed and gently holding one of Logan’s hands. 

The two continued to sit in silence. Logan lost track of how much time had passed - it felt like minutes but also  _ days _ at the same time, somehow. He continued to wait for Janus to leave, but he only continued to slowly rub his fingers along Logan’s palm. He silently wished for Janus to move his hand to his back and continue to rub there, where he had been feeling aches for all the time he had been in his bed, even though he was in a comfortable position. However, he knew at any moment Janus was probably going to stand up and leave him there anyway, and he was content with only the hand touches, so he stayed silent. 

“If you  _ really _ want me to leave, you can just let me know,” Janus sighed. “Hide it all you want, I can feel your tension. But I’m keeping you company until you say otherwise. I can’t imagine you’re in good health right now, and I’m not going to just  _ leave _ you here to dwell in it, unless it would actually be beneficial if I were to leave.” 

Logan paused in his current train of thought, confused. He supposed he didn’t  _ want _ Janus to leave, but he had  _ expected _ it and therefore thought he didn’t have a choice in the matter… But now that Janus had offered, he didn’t  _ think _ he should decline. Sure, he had been wanting to be alone for most of the day, and he had denied the others their attention earlier that day, but the others were…  _ different _ from Janus. The others were too eccentric for his liking, especially in the state he was currently in. Meanwhile, Janus had only given him soft and gentle phrases and touches, as if he understood that was what was… _ needed _ . Not to mention he knew loneliness was bound to find it’s way back, and while he told himself he could deal with it just fine… something about Janus’ company made him think he’d rather keep it than push it away and regret it. 

Before Logan allowed himself to overthink the situation when he had already settled on his solution, he eventually settled on a shake of the head, letting Janus know not to leave.

“Alright,” Janus replied, still soft, still gentle. “Then I’ll stay.”

And that’s exactly what he did. 

The next few minutes - minutes? hours? seconds? - passed in silence, the staring and the slow rubs on Logan’s hand continued. 

“I don’t want to pressure you at all,” Janus finally broke the silence, “entirely the opposite, truly. But if you’re able to, do you think you could… at least describe how you’re feeling?” 

A pause, and then another shake of the head from Logan. He didn’t know if he was still unable to speak, and while he  _ knew _ how he was feeling, he couldn’t find the words… 

Well, wait,  _ did _ he know how he was feeling? 

He  _ had _ to know how he was feeling. Numb, unfeeling. Except, none of those terms seemed to fit exactly anymore. But those were what felt correct earlier, he hadn’t felt like much of anything changed… Why was he at a loss if nothing had changed?  _ Did _ something change?

“Have you been feeling… anything at all?” Janus asked, the tone in his voice gone even softer, almost as if he was concerned, but Logan couldn’t tell for sure. 

Logan exhaled, finally deciding to try to speak again. He was still low on energy, but he managed to get out one word:

“Gray.” 

It still didn’t feel entirely right, but it felt better than, “unfeeling.” Even though he still felt like that label applied, since nothing had seemed to change. 

Janus hummed, “I see.” A pause, more uncomfortable silence. “For how long?”

Logan drowned in thought for a moment, before realizing he didn’t have an answer. 

He turned to Janus and asked, “Time?”

Janus turned to check the clock sitting by Logan’s bed, reading the time, “1:50.”

As Logan came to the answer and repeated it back to Janus, “Almost 6 hours,” something inside of him stirred. He had wasted a quarter of the day in his bed. He wondered why he was finally starting to feel somewhat bothered by it. 

“Oh,” Janus stared back at the unmoving side. While his expression was blank, his eyes were filled with worry, even if Logan didn’t quite pick up on it. “Is there a reason you didn’t want anyone to know?”

“Hm,” Logan paused. “No, I suppose… But I’ve dealt with this just fine before.”

“Logan, that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to ask for help,” Janus took his hand and held it just a bit tighter, while still making sure to keep the touch gentle. “I assume you want help, seeing as you requested me to stay with you. And  _ obviously _ I would  _ never _ leave if you were uncomfortable with my presence while in a state like this.” He rolled his eyes. 

“True…” Logan murmured. 

“But,” Janus sighed, “I understand if you didn’t ask because you thought the others couldn’t help. None of us should be expected to have all the answers. But I know,  _ all _ of us know, emotion isn’t your strongest suit. That doesn’t mean we expect you to never experience problems with it, or never experience it at all. You can ask for help when you need it, Logan. None of us will judge you.”

Logan only stared back in shock. He hadn’t expected a speech like that, especially not from Janus. He needed to take a minute, take his time to fully process what Janus had just told him, process just how much he  _ believed _ him. Janus seemed to understand, and let him take his time. As Logan stared off into space once again, Janus loosened his grip on Logan’s hand, moving his hand to Logan’s shoulder and continuing the rubbing there. Logan relaxed as Janus' hand soothed some of the aches he had been feeling on his shoulder. 

Another pause, this time the silence far more comfortable and tolerable. Logan took his time in the silence to take in what Janus had told him, and while he still didn’t know how to feel about being told it’s alright for him to ask them for help and didn’t exactly feel like he would go through with it any time soon, he realized… He did believe what Janus had said. At least a little bit. Despite the side going by the title of Deceit, as well as having lied to him before, Logan had found Janus to instead be  _ brutally honest _ when it came to mental health. Not to mention, now that Janus was starting to be accepted, there was far less of a reason not to trust him. 

“You know,” Logan began, looking up to meet Janus’ gaze, “If you had arrived any earlier than when you did, I believe I would have - if I had the proper speaking abilities that I do now - disagreed with you on needing help. I find the numb… comforting, in a way. It’s easier to not actually  _ experience _ the emotion instead of… I suppose repressing it and going on with my day as if it isn’t there.” 

Janus hummed, “Both of those scenarios can have their different signs to show that they are unhealthy.” Logan raised an eyebrow. Janus exhaled and moved his hand into his lap. “You’ve talked about repression before.  _ To Thomas _ . I  _ know _ that you understand how unhealthy _ that  _ is already.” Logan nodded his head. “And yet, I still see you do it.”

“You… see it happen?” Logan asked, suddenly quiet. 

“I’m  _ awful _ when it comes to deception, sweetie. Especially deception to the self,” Janus answered. “But if you’re concerned about how easy it is to pick up on it… It’s only once you pay closer attention to the patterns and actually allow yourself to give a damn, unlike  _ some  _ of us, that it’s easier to understand and  _ empathize  _ with what you could be going through. I don’t think the others have picked up on it just yet. Unfortunately.”

Logan didn’t quite know why that would be an unfortunate thing, but he continued to listen. 

“And as for the other thing,” Janus continued, “while it may feel comforting in the moment to allow yourself to indulge in your gray state and rid yourself of emotion, I can’t imagine it would feel like a good choice afterward.” 

Logan gave a remorseful nod, “I have been… beginning to feel a sense of regret for spending 6 hours in my bed.”

“We’ll, ah, get back to that later. I feel like a break from your work would be a better idea for now anyway.” Logan wanted to protest, but kept quiet. Janus cleared his throat. “What I’m trying to say is… I understand it may be a nice feeling while in that state, but from what you’ve described, have you not considered the possibility that you’ve been going through a depressive episode, Logan?”

Logan stopped, taking a moment to recover from his temporary shock and process Janus’ statement, once again.

“Do you really think so?” 

“You haven’t gotten out of bed in over 6 hours, and that’s only counting how long you’ve been  _ awake _ for. And when I asked how you were feeling, all you told me was, ‘gray.’ That’s not usually a  _ normal _ feeling for someone who is genuinely happy. And while having a depressive episode isn’t unhealthy itself, the reasons for having one could be due to unhealthy habits and not taking the time for yourself that you need.” Janus tilted his head to the side, also adding in, a bit quieter this time, “I know  _ exactly _ why I’m telling you all of this, I’m sure you  _ haven’t _ already heard this all before… Just maybe not told to  _ you _ .”

Logan shifted his gaze to the ceiling, once more. If he thought the previous statements were hard to process, he was  _ not _ prepared to be told his “comforting numb state” could possibly be  _ depressive episodes _ . He furrowed his brows at the ceiling. 

“Regardless,” Janus broke the silence and put his hand on Logan’s shoulder once more, snapping Logan out of his trance, “it’s only temporary, and it can be worked on. As I said earlier, a break from your work seems much better than forcing yourself to get it done while in your current state. It’s Thomas’ week off,  _ please _ do your best not to stress over working right now.”

Logan paused, then gave a slow nod, letting himself stare up, once again, at the ceiling. 

“In the meantime, if there’s anything you can think of that I can help you with, I’ll see what I’m able to do. Hell, I’ll leave and get the others to take my place if you need me to.” 

“No,” Logan replied in an instant, almost subconsciously. “No, I would much prefer if you were to stay.” Janus nodded, taking Logan’s hand and rubbing slow circles on his palm. “I don’t necessarily  _ need _ anything from you, however. I am simply feeling better just with your company. I suppose it’s… nice to have someone remind me about how…” He paused, furrowing his brows as if he’s trying to recall something. “What is the phrase that Patton uses? Is it, ‘there is always sun after a bit of rain,’ or something to that effect?”

“Sounds about right,” Janus nodded his head, “although, and  _ don’t _ feel the need to correct me if I’m wrong on this, because I  _ know  _ there’s  _ no _ such possibility, I’d say you haven’t been necessarily having a  _ rainy _ day, no? Not that I’m invalidating you or saying this is  _ better  _ than rain, but from what you’ve said, it sounds… cloudy. I suppose.” Janus turned his head away, as if he already didn’t quite agree with his reply. 

Logan, however, felt his eyes widen as he looked back to the side, replying, “No, that actually, um… sounds like a very accurate comparison. I am… quite glad you understand.”

Janus gave him a smile, seeming happy to have understood. 

And once again, silence flooded the room. Except it was comforting and serene. Minutes passed, soft and comfortable, before Logan took Janus’ hand in his own. 

“I believe I have an idea of… one thing I would want, if that’s alright,” Logan muttered. 

“Well?” Janus asked, leaning forward in his seat. “What would that be?” 

“Would you mind… joining me in the bed?” Logan asked, a soft pink gracing his face. “Simply because your touches and rubs are… quite soothing, emotionally and physically, and I was wondering if you would be willing to engage in more physical contact. I think it is helping me, at least a little bit. And I can’t imagine you’ve been comfortable staying on that stool this whole time.”

“Tell me about it,” Janus smirks. “I can do that. Move over.”

Logan rolled onto his side as he felt Janus slide into the bed behind him. Janus’ hands met the back of his neck, pressing down and giving soft massages to help him relax. And  _ relax he does _ . The aching he had felt in his neck earlier had begun to finally fade. He leaned into the touch, longing for more, and Janus continued as he pulled the nerd closer. The two of them lay there for who knows how long. Rubs at an arm’s distance quickly turned into close, warm cuddles from behind and back massages that felt utterly _delightful_ as the two allowed themselves to relax under the soft, silky covers of Logan’s bed. 

For the most part, yes, Logan was completely relaxed and starting to feel a bit better than he was earlier. However, it wasn’t long before he started to feel a bit strange. His mind had been wandering, and he had started to focus on the “depressive episode” speech from Janus earlier. He had done his best to only allow himself to focus on Janus himself, but the words echoed in his mind, and he  _ knew _ he was finally starting to reach the part of the episode that he despised the most: the end of it. The time when he recognized his unfeeling, numb state was beginning to fill with the emotions he had done so much to attempt to keep out. 

A twinge of blue in the gray finally sinking in. 

“I think… I think there’s finally some rain coming from the clouds,” Logan muttered, only half-wanting Janus to hear him. 

“I know. Let it fall.” Janus wrapped his arm around Logan and cupped his cheek in his hand, surprisingly  _ without _ one of his gloves. “It’s alright.”

“I don’t want it to fall,” Logan frowned. He could feel his eyes begin to sting. 

“Pushing it down is only going to make it worse,” Janus replied. “If you need to let your emotions out, don’t be afraid to do so. I promise you, dearest. There is nothing wrong with it.”

Logan sighed, eyes darting across the bed. Janus pulled him closer, wrapping his arms gently around Logan’s chest. Logan still held back the tears attempting to form at his eyes, thinking about just how glad he was that Janus wasn’t able to see them. 

“I’d like to help you sit up now, is that okay?” Janus asked. Logan gave him a soft hum of approval. 

Janus moved his arms and pushed himself up, then wrapping his arms around Logan again to pull him up in a sitting position, back leaned against the headboard of the bed as he finally met Janus’ mismatched eyes. Janus gave him a soft, sympathetic smile as he ran his fingers through Logan’s hair, his other arm still wrapped around him. Logan was still doing his best not to let loose, but he was beginning to tremble. 

“I don’t like this,” Logan muttered, “this was nice, I don’t… I don’t want to cry now.” He forced down a whimper.

“I know,” Janus reassured him, “but it’s just better if you let it happen. I’m not going to judge you.”

Logan tried to avoid Janus’ gaze, disappointed in himself for finally starting to feel as if his emotions are starting to control him more than he’s able to control them. He and Janus were relaxed, they were  _ fine _ , Logan was feeling  _ better _ . Why was he starting to feel his emotions overflow onto him  _ now? _

Janus very, very carefully cupped Logan’s cheek with his hand, slowly bringing Logan’s head up, making sure not to pull too hard if Logan was going to fight it. But, Logan allowed Janus’ hand to lead him, and the two of them locked eyes once more. 

“It’s okay,” Janus whispered. “You’re safe here, dearest. Cry all you need.” 

Logan shook with a sob and threw himself into Janus’ chest. He clung to Janus tight, burying his face into Janus’ cape. Janus hugged back with a gentle yet firm grip, rubbing Logan’s back with one set of arms as another reached up to brush through Logan's hair and caress his face, as he whispered soft reassurances to him. For every apology Logan wished he could bring himself to say, Janus was already a step ahead of him with a soft whisper of how it was okay and there was no need. For every curse Logan wanted to yell at himself, Janus was there with a kiss to the forehead and mutters about how he did nothing wrong and he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. 

When Logan finally did find his voice again, he met Janus’ eyes with his swollen, tear-filled ones, and told him, “Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I still don't know if I like this fic or not but it felt nice to be able to get my feelings out with Logan. ^-^"
> 
> also I think Loceit is becoming another comfort ship, help lmao


End file.
